A love letter to 2017

Dear 2017,

You were certainly one for the books.  

You witnessed us climb a mountain, fall in love, lose those dear to us, deal with separation, travel to new and familiar places, fall deeper in love, dance, face uncertainty, start a new home together, take road trips, laugh until we cried, have meaningful conversation and plan our future.  

Your days passed by, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.  Some days were full of worry.  Some days were full of laughter.  Some days I cried.  Some days I smiled.  But every day I remained grateful.  Grateful that your days brought me into contact with the people I love.  Grateful that your days left us happy and healthy.  Grateful that your days surrounded us with the most supportive, loving & wonderful people ever, our families.  Grateful that your days revived old friendships and strengthened new ones.  

2017, you showed us some difficult times, and it was easy to get swept up by the negativity that constantly surrounded us but you helped me to remember that what matters most in life are my family and friends.  The moments laughing, telling stories, and talking in the living room or around the dinner table served as a reminder of what is most important to me during this lifetime.  These are the moments that meant the most to me, and at the end of each of your days I hoped that one thing people could definitively say about me is that, "man, Liz sure does love her family and friends."

Thank you for the most wonderfully beautiful year.

2018, may you be full of days that help me to become a better daughter, sister, aunt, fiancé & friend.  

Yours,

Liz  

One Year

One year ago I had been on and off Bumble, Tinder, Hinge & every other dating app imaginable.  I fell into a downward spiral of downloading an app for a couple days, swiping through guys like I was reading a boring magazine, deleting all of my dating apps, and then a couple days later downloading them again only to see the same prospects.  Several dates with a few "nice enough, not completely boring" guys left me uninspired that anything would ever work out.  But how else are people our age meeting other singles these days?  That's when I thought, "You might as well go for it" and I ended up having three dates in one week.

The saying goes "third time's a charm" and boy is it right.  After one "meh" date and one "what would your mother think of what you're saying right now" date I ended up stumbling across the love of my life.  I swiped right and instantly his picture popped up saying we were a match.  Knowing the ways of Tinder & Bumble I knew that there was still a high probability that this match would lead nowhere and that I would probably be ghosted.  But to my surprise a couple minutes later I received a message from Adam Mendoza that said, "Ay girl."  My future husband, ladies and gentlemen.

Our chat conversation was as natural as chatting with a complete stranger can possibly be.  Once we both determined that neither one of us was a serial killer we decided to meet five days later on a Thursday after work on South Congress Avenue.

The night before our date I couldn't sleep because I was so excited.  In all honesty this never happened with any of my previous dates which should have tipped me off that this one would be different.  

And then the day arrived.  I remember being so anxious the entire day at work.  It felt like time wasn't moving.  He was going to meet me outside of my office and we planned on walking over to South Congress Hotel for a drink.  I paced around the office waiting and waiting (stupid Austin traffic) trying to keep from sweating and then I received the text that he was outside!  As I walked out to meet Adam my friends stalked the front door trying to sneak a glimpse of my "mystery" date.  

It was a chilly evening and so we walked over to the hotel bar quickly.  Most of the date flew by in a blur as I tried to pay attention to what he was saying.  Really all I could think was"Ahhh, he's so handsome.  I wonder how he thinks this is going."  We talked about his job with the National Guard and his job at Camp Mabry, and I'm sure I talked, too, but honestly I couldn't begin to tell you what else we talked about.  

What I thought might only be one drink turned into two drinks which then turned into, "Are you hungry?"  So we meandered down to Guerros (even though I suggested Homeslice...), filled up on TexMex and then not wanting the night to end we both agreed that we should go have one more drink at Perla's.  We were the last people at the bar, to the staff's dismay I'm sure, and they began closing around us.  We walked back to our cars and said goodbye.  I left feeling warm and fuzzy inside, and no it wasn't just the alcohol.  Just kidding, Mom & Dad.

The next day Adam texted me to see if I wanted to get lunch with him at Whole Foods before he had to leave town for his monthly National Guard training.  This was when I knew that he liked me.  And I really knew that he liked me when on our third date he told me that he was being deployed later the next year.  I didn't know exactly what all that would entail or how that would affect me (how can you really prepare for something you haven't lived through?) but I did know that if our relationship had the potential to turn into love, I would not hesitate to stand by his side.  It would all be worth the wait.   

This past year has been filled with a number of up's and down's.  It is a year that has been filled with some of my happiest memories and some of my hardest.  Our young relationship has been put to the ultimate test.   The cards were stacked against us from the beginning, but there is no doubt in my mind that we were meant to come into each other's lives at the exact moment we met.  I didn't realize it but I needed Adam, and I think he needed me, too.  Our love is a precious one and as the old adage goes, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  

We may not be together physically to celebrate today, but I am wherever you are.  

You are my home.

 I so look forward to the day that we are back together and I cannot wait to spend all of my future years with you, whether we are apart or together.  I love you the most.

Timing

Isn't it funny when you are knee deep in a stage of life, a time when you're struggling, and out of nowhere you come across a poem, hear a song, meet a person or notice a sign that was meant to be seen or heard at the exact moment you ran across it?  

That doesn't happen to me too often, but it did last night at my mom's house during our Monday night tradition watching Dancing With the Stars.  Shania Twain was a guest judge and during the show she sang her new song, Soldier.  Now, Adam will think this song is super cheesy, but the minute she sang the first verse I became emotional (surprise surprise, right Adam?).  This past week has been a rough period of transition, still becoming acquainted with this new, temporary way of life, but I think I was meant to hear those lyrics last night.  Not only was the subject completely relevant to Adam and I's current situation, but the lyrics described exactly how I have been feeling these past few days.

"Don't close the door when you leave

it's cold out

I need to see the air when you breathe

and say out loud

That you'll be home soon

Not to worry

You're gonna hurry back

You're not alone when you dream

I'm with you. 

I hear your heart when it beats

I feel it too

Sleep in peace 

love is tender

Please remember me"

Timing is everything and I believe that Adam and I came into each other's lives at the exact moment that we needed one another.  In my heart I know that we were brought together for a greater reason than either of us will ever be able to comprehend.  Knowing this makes even the worst of days worth it.  There's no one else I would want to wait for.

For now I am taking it one day at a time, letting the timing take care of itself, and praying every day that he comes back home to me safe and sound.

Here's a link to the song if you haven't heard it yet:

Soldier by Shania Twain

Hero

What does it mean to be a hero?  This word takes on a variety of meanings, conjuring up different images to different people.  In the past stock images of firefighters, veterans, police officers, courageous civilians like you and me piled up in my mind when I heard the word hero, never able to think of a specific person in my life who possessed all of the qualities I deemed heroic.  To me being a hero meant to do something extraordinary.  To not only act selflessly, but to live selflessly.  To care about something greater than yourself and then to actually do something about it.

Adam is going to hate me when I say this, but today when I hear the word hero he is the first person who flashes through my mind.  Today was a tough day for me.  As we talked on the phone and I let Adam know how much I worried about his deployment and the uncertainty of it all he asked if he had ever told me the real reason why he wanted to join the military.  I told him no and he began to explain how it all started 16 years ago on September 11, 2001 when he was in 5th grade.  At the age of 10 years old that horrific day and the years of war that followed had a tremendous impact on him and the man he would become.  So much so that today he has willingly put himself in harms way, without question, to try and help innocent people who have not had the opportunity to live as privileged a life as Adam and I have.

By the end of our conversation I had tears streaming down my face.  Finding the right words in response was impossible.  To say that I am proud of the man Adam is and the sacrifice he has given and will continue to give throughout his military career is a gross understatement.  It would be a complete lie for me to say that I will not worry while he is gone (I am a compulsive worrier), but I can't help but think about how fortunate I am to be able to share my life with my hero.  They don't make many like you, Adam, which makes me feel even luckier that you have chosen me to come along on this adventure.  I love you.

Surprise Visit

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote and honestly it feels like it has been several months.  The past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions.  After what felt like weeks and weeks of the end of September, I finally made it to October which felt like a milestone within itself.  My routine without Adam around was falling into place and my days were starting to pass by quickly.  

Then Adam found out he had a four day pass.  But before I even had time to exclaim with excitement I was reminded that I should not get my hopes up.  "There's a chance that things could change and that I might not have that time off."  Ha!  What is new?  The unpredictability of the army has unfortunately become a trait of this lifestyle that I have not so happily grown accustomed to.  So I assured him that I was not counting on it.  Wink wink.

Luckily for me and for Adam the army kept her promise to let us spend one more weekend together.  This was the best and the worst thing that could have happened.  The weekend was absolutely incredible.  From staying in a gorgeous mansion with mountain views to visiting Fort Bliss to hiking the Organ Mountains to announcing our engagement to starting our first tradition of buying vacation Christmas ornaments together to watching Portlandia I could not have asked for a better weekend with my favorite person.  Unfortunately this made it all the much harder to leave.  

This goodbye was different from our goodbye in Kilgore.  For the first time I knew for a fact that this was going to be the last time I would see Adam until next year.  There would not be anymore surprise visits.  This goodbye meant goodbye. 

Adam took me to the airport and waited with me outside of security.  Usually I go through security super early because I end up stressing out about making my flight, but this time I waited until the very last second.  I didn't want to leave.  Heck, at this point I wouldn't have even cared if I had missed my flight.  At least I would have had a little more time with him.  Our goodbye felt rushed and honestly I can't even recall what we said to each other.  All I could think about was how much I didn't want to walk away from him.  But after a minute or two and a few tears later we parted ways knowing that the longer we made our goodbye the harder it would be.  Unlike my tearless drive home from Kilgore, the plane ride home was a torrential downpour of emotions.  Luckily for me there were about ten other ladies who were also sporting the same teary-eyed, emotionally drained face.

Tuesday and Wednesday have kept me busy but there is definitely a noticeable absence I feel unlike after our Kilgore goodbye.  Certain moments, songs, jokes, places etc. remind me of you and how much I miss you.  Tears come and go and I dream about the day that I get to be back in your arms.  I'll keep the light on.

      

Let the Countdown Begin

One week and two days have gone by since Adam and I said our goodbyes.  Every single day that we have been away from each other has been difficult in a different way than what I had initially expected.  I have not experienced any real meltdowns, although tears have come and gone, but every night as I sit in bed by myself a form of melancholy washes over me.  I reflect on the day and I think about all of the moments that would have made Adam and I laugh.  I think about all of the things that day that would have been much more enjoyable if Adam had been with me.  I think about the little things that Adam does for me on a regular basis from feeding the dogs in the morning so that I can stay in bed a little bit longer to going out and buying us kolaches and donuts from Shipley's, not because he likes Shipley's best but because he knows that I do.  Right now life just isn't as sweet. 

So in an effort to be positive I have been telling myself over and over again that these upcoming months are going to fly by.  "The holidays will be here before we know it and then there will only be a few months until Adam's return."  Unfortunately for me, my pep talks are not convincing and deep down I feel the exact opposite.  

Even though Adam warned me countless times that these countdowns would only drive me insane,  I have it set in my mind that they will make time fly.  Don't tell Adam, but I think he is right, although I am not giving in just yet.  

***To be clear, Adam being right is a very rare occurrence in the Icenhauer/Mendoza household.

 Nevertheless, I have an app on my phone that counts down to the very exact second the number of days left of the deployment (this is all an approximation--no one really knows the exact date) and I find myself looking at this several times during the day thinking, "It's only been one hour since I last looked.  This is going to be a long ten months."  In fact, I cannot tell you how many times today I have wondered what day it is only to be disappointed that it is STILL September 17th and we are STILL a couple weeks away from October.

 Here are a few other ways that I have driven myself crazy thinking about potential (read: psychotic) countdowns for the rest of Adam's deployment:

The number of times I will take out the trash while he's gone.

The number of times I will have to buy coffee.

The number of bouquets of fresh flowers that would last until he gets back.

The number of seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise that will be aired.

The number of significant days (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries) that will happen while he's gone.

The number of times I will mow the lawn.

Etc, etc.

But so far during this short amount of time I have come to one important realization and that is that even though I am fully capable of living without you, Adam, there is not an ounce of me that wants to.  I love you so much and I look forward to the day that you can go and buy me kolaches again.  

Staring at an Empty House

Staring at an empty house.  

Full of photos, full of memories, full of things.

Peaceful and yet so loud.  

My mind won't be quiet and I'm left staring into an empty house.

Staring at an empty house.

My heart is heavy as reality sinks in.

Moments sitting in silence with my thoughts are unbearable.

Wishing I could hear your voice.  

Wishing I could feel your touch.

Wishing we had one more hour together.

Staring at an empty house.

Desperate to cross off another day in my notebook.

Tears fall and are wiped away.

Keep busy, keep busy.

Thankful

Friday evening at 8 pm Adam left for Fort Bliss.  What a strange feeling it was dropping him off at the Kilgore Armory for the last time knowing that we would not see each other for about 10 months.    The actual drop-off  happened so quickly that it almost felt like I was dropping him off for another day at work.  

"I'll see you at 5."  

I pulled the car up in front of the armory, Adam quickly unloaded his gear and we shared a good-bye that lasted only a few seconds through the driver side window.  I yelled after him noticing two bags he had left in the car and asked him if he had forgotten them.  He walked back, shook his head, and leaned in to give me one final kiss and then he was on his way again.  Next thing I knew I was starting my solo journey back to Austin.  To my surprise my eyes stayed dry for the entire four hour car trip.  I felt guilty thinking, "What is wrong with you?  If at any moment this year you are going to break down this should be the time."  Yet it never came.  Instead, strangely enough, I felt a sense of relief.  Not because I was happy that Adam was leaving or because I was happy that I wouldn't see him until next year.  God knows that I miss him and worry about him every single day that we are apart.  But I felt a sense of relief because the countdowns that had plagued this entire year up until this day were finally over.  

On Friday the only countdown that I had been looking forward to all year had finally begun, the countdown until Adam gets home.   

There was also one other critical piece that kept me from falling apart after leaving Adam, and that was knowing that I had a tremendous family waiting for me back home.  Even though bad days come and go I always know that my family is never far if I need them.  They have been nothing but supportive of Adam's career and of our relationship.   They made sure to reschedule their busy lives so that they could make it to the mobilization ceremony, they listen to me, whether they want to or not, when I need to vent, they hug me when I need some extra loving and my brother has been incredibly understanding and flexible as my boss knowing how important these last few months have been for Adam and me.  Not once have I ever felt that I could not lean on them for love and support.  With the addition of Adam's family in my life I feel beyond blessed.  Honestly, I hit the jackpot.

From the moment that I met Adam's parents and his siblings last December they made me feel like I was a member of their family.  Cathy and Rosendo warmly welcomed me into their home and I was immediately invited to family events.  After making it back from Kilgore on Friday I spoke with Cathy on the phone and she reassured me that I would be seeing them often.  She told me that I was always welcome at their house even if that just meant me coming to Georgetown to spend the night, and that Rosendo would be calling me to meet up for lunch.   This made me so happy.  Not only have I become close with Adam's parents, but I am very happy that I have become close to Adam's siblings and even his aunts, uncles, and cousins, too.  I am thankful for each and every single one of you, because at a time when it would have been easy to part ways and see each other infrequently you all have already made it a point to see me often.  

As I headed back to Austin this afternoon after spending yesterday in Georgetown with Adam's family it struck me how lucky I am to have been intertwined into all of these extraordinary people's lives.  With that being said, I want to take a moment to say to all of my friends and family, new and old, near and far, that I love you all, that I am so thankful for the relationships that we share, and that I am so grateful for all of your love and support that you have shown me and Adam.  It has been a crazy time in our lives but having you all around has made it much more bearable.  

Because of you all I am going to bed tonight feeling thankful.

Our Last Hours

"Finally, after months of preparation, changes in deployment dates, and what seems like an endless trudge to the slaughterhouse, the deployment arrives.  The weeks and days leading up to this feel like a loss of color-- everything I see is in shades of gray." -- Angela Ricketts, No Man's War: Irreverent Confessions of an Infantry Wife

Hectic, emotional and draining are the words I would use to describe this past week.   Monday evening and Tuesday morning were spent running last minute errands, unloading Adam's truck, which looked like a mini tornado had passed through, doing laundry, making calls, packing, repacking, and trying to make our last night at home together as normal as possible.  We dropped the boys, as Adam likes to refer to our pups, off at my mom's house Tuesday morning and headed to Great Clips for Adam's haircut.  This has become one of our weird little rituals that we share on days that Adam leaves town for trainings, because it is always during our last hour spent together.  Then it was North to Georgetown and over to Fort Hood to purchase a few essential items for the deployment.

We ran around Fort Hood like headless chickens comparing bags at different stores and remembering last minute items.  "Oh shit, I forgot this," was the most commonly used statement throughout this "quick" stop.  We finally got back to the car after Adam purchased an Otter Box for his laptop, which I said and knew would be too small, only to try it out and realize that we needed to go back into the store to exchange it because guess what...it was too small!

Adam, this is your reminder to always listen to me, because I am always right.  

Finally we made it on the road to Kilgore around 4:30 in the afternoon, making several necessary pitstops for food, coffee and restroom breaks.  After what seemingly felt like the longest 4 hours we finally pulled into Kilgore around 9:30 and headed to the armory for a quick check-in.  Then we headed to our new home, the Holiday Inn Express.

According to Adam's orders he should have left for Fort Bliss early this morning.  After a bit of confusion the departure date, we believed, was changed to early Saturday morning.  Now we know that this information was incorrect and that he will definitely be leaving tomorrow evening with the rest of his guys.  Unfortunately the uncertainty and last minute changes are not surprising at all and honestly I have not had my heart set on a certain date because I knew that it could change at any time.  Tonight and tomorrow will most definitely be hard but I feel lucky to have more time with Adam, even if that means for only a few more hours.  

So as of now I believe we have reached the so-called calm before the deployment storm during which we will spend our final 24 hours together.  Yesterday Adam had to work an incredibly long day at the armory from 6 AM to about 10 PM with a couple breaks in between, during which he so thoughtfully brought me breakfast and dinner.

He's a keeper!

Luckily, today he will be getting off earlier as we have the Kilgore Send-Off event this afternoon at 4 PM for his Battalion.  This means we will be able to enjoy our last evening together.  I am not sure how tomorrow will go and honestly I'm trying my best not to think about it too much until it is absolutely necessary.  For now I just want to focus on spending the last few hours that we have together as best we can.  

I would really appreciate it if you all would keep Adam in your thoughts and prayers as he travels on an 11 hour bus ride to El Paso tomorrow.

     

Mobilization Ceremony

T-2 days until Adam gets home.  T-6 days until we head northeast for Adam to report for active duty.  T-8 days until Adam leaves for Fort Bliss and we say our goodbyes for the next 10 months.  The final countdowns separating us from the reality of deployment are approaching rapidly and there is not much we can do to slow them down.

It has been easy for me during the past 5 months to get caught up in the "woe is me" mentality as I have been preparing myself as best I can for Adam's departure.  I have had my share of days that I do not want to get out of bed as a result of him leaving for two or three weeks at a time.  These are days that I do not want to do anything.  All I want to do is sleep and let the sadness engulf me.  The question that constantly crosses my mind during this time is, "How will I make it through 10 months if it feels like I can't even make it through today?"  Thinking about these feelings as I am writing makes me cry because I know that these emotions are waiting nearby and will certainly be back next week.  But today has been different.

Today Adam's parents, Cathy and Rosendo, Adam's sister, Gaby, my parents, and I traveled to the small town of Gatesville, Texas for a mobilization ceremony for the 3rd Battalion 144th Infantry Regiment also known as "4th Texas."  The ceremony was comprised of over 800 men and women who will be deploying to the Horn of Africa in October.  As a part of the Texas National Guard these men and women are not only serving voluntarily but they have regular 9-5 jobs along with the responsibilities that many undertake as husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, etc.  They give up weekends that you and I take for granted in order to train, they spend evenings after long days at work to make sure military deadlines are met, and the greatest sacrifice of them all is that they selflessly put their lives on hold to deploy and serve their country.

Even though I was unable to pick Adam out of the 800 men and women during the ceremony (who knew it would be so hard to find a single person in a sea of camo!) I instantly felt overcome with pride as they marched onto the football field.  My person is among less than 1% of United States citizens who have chosen to serve our country.  Nobody forced him to sign up.  The military was not his only option but he pursued it because he wanted to.  Adam is not in it for the praise or to gloat and in fact I learned this quickly on one of our first dates.  At the time he was living in Georgetown but was working at Camp Mabry.  We planned to meet in downtown Austin after work and when we did I noticed he was still dressed in his uniform.  He told me that he had forgotten his regular clothes at home (which was at least an hour away with traffic) and that he wanted to go to a clothing store to buy a shirt and jeans.  I asked him why, secretly loving that he was in his uniform, and he told me that by wearing it out in public he would be approached by strangers offering their thanks or even offering monetary gifts.  Adam is by no means ungrateful for the support shown to him, but even these small acts of gratitude made him feel uncomfortable because as he saw it he was not deserving of this attention.

Funny side note: That night at Allen's Boots a man graciously left money with the cashier to cover the costs of Adam's clothing.

Ultimately today and many days past have shown me that the anticipation of deployment may be hard at times but that I could not be luckier to have the opportunity to love and support a man who is the definition of altruistic.  He may not believe that he deserves recognition and gratitude, but he does.  I know that the adventure that Adam is about to embark on is much bigger than the sum of our relationship.  We might not ever know all the ways that his deployment ultimately shape and impact our community, but I know for a fact that it will.  Today's tears are tears of joy and happiness and pride.

Pre-Deployment

This blog started out as a way that I could share my photographs with friends and family, which I haven't done since 2014-- so clearly that's working out.

Things have changed quite a bit since the last post. 

I am no longer 24. 

I am no longer living in Eugene, Oregon.  

I am no longer taking quite as many photographs of my dogs.    

And I am no longer studying Russian, although that wouldn't be such a bad idea now.  

Currently:

I am 27.

I am living back in my hometown of Austin, Texas.  

I am the momma of pups Tucker & Augie.  

I am working as Director of Media for my brother's two bars in downtown Austin.  

I am dating the love of my life.  

And I am preparing to conquer a 9 month deployment.  

Deployment is still a month or so away but with drill, classes, and annual training I have slowly but surely become acquainted with the mistress (a term for the army coined by Angela Rickett in her book No Man's War: Irreverent Confessions of an Infantry Wife) and the ups and the downs that accompany her.  Coming from a family who has no ties to the military, other than to the generation who honorably fought in WWII, it has been an eye-opening experience to dive into this other world.  

During WWII everyone was touched by war, directly or indirectly.  No one escaped.  Whether that meant dealing with a deployment, facing the death of a friend, or having a mother leave the house to jump into the workforce, no one survived WWII unscathed.  Today that couldn't be farther from the truth.  We, as US citizens, are so far removed from war and the daily impacts that it has on individuals and their families.  We have the ability to turn it on and off.  We don't deal with shortages in the grocery stores and there are no national efforts to come together to support our troops.  Consequently, we rarely think about those who are deployed, what that means, and what that actually looks like day-to-day for the individual deployed and for the family of that service member.  We catch the nightly news, and see a 1 1/2 minute sound bite about a helicopter that has gone down in Hawaii or a story about a Navy Seal who has been killed in an operation, but do the realities of these tragedies truly sink in?  Are we genuinely affected when these stories air or do we move on seconds later to the next thing that has popped up on our Facebook Newsfeed?  We take for granted the fact that we have the freedom to be outraged by a different story every five minutes.  Meanwhile the service members who are putting their lives and the lives of their families on the line to protect the liberties of you and me are rarely given the recognition and positive thoughts they deserve.  

I, myself, know that I have been guilty of all of these things.  That is until 9 months ago when Adam walked into my life.  

When he told me last December on our third date that he would be deployed later the next year I really didn't know what that meant.  Not that I didn't know what a deployment was, but I really had no idea what a deployment entailed and what the reality of a deployment would mean for our relationship and the two of us as individuals.  All I knew was that I really liked this guy and I wanted to see where our relationship would take us.  Deployment felt like years away.

Here are a few things I was completely oblivious to before dating Adam:

I had no idea that a deployment didn't only include the actual time that Adam would be overseas but also the time that accounted for training and mobilization.  I didn't realize that two weeks apart could mean a total of 15 minutes on the phone.  I didn't realize that travel plans could change at the drop of a pin, or quite literally at the the answer of a phone call.  I didn't realize that we might only have 57 hours together between obligations.  I didn't realize that departure days would be so stressful and that during the days following I would feel so low.  I didn't realize that the anticipation of deployment would be so emotional.  None of this did I realize until now.   

Now that I have come to terms with a few of the challenges that face us, I recognize that I will need an outlet during this next year.  Long story short this blog will be the landfill for all of my feelings during the next nine months.  I may write often or I may write only once every month or so depending on how I feel.  Follow along or don't, but this will be a space for me that I know I will need.