Timing

Isn't it funny when you are knee deep in a stage of life, a time when you're struggling, and out of nowhere you come across a poem, hear a song, meet a person or notice a sign that was meant to be seen or heard at the exact moment you ran across it?  

That doesn't happen to me too often, but it did last night at my mom's house during our Monday night tradition watching Dancing With the Stars.  Shania Twain was a guest judge and during the show she sang her new song, Soldier.  Now, Adam will think this song is super cheesy, but the minute she sang the first verse I became emotional (surprise surprise, right Adam?).  This past week has been a rough period of transition, still becoming acquainted with this new, temporary way of life, but I think I was meant to hear those lyrics last night.  Not only was the subject completely relevant to Adam and I's current situation, but the lyrics described exactly how I have been feeling these past few days.

"Don't close the door when you leave

it's cold out

I need to see the air when you breathe

and say out loud

That you'll be home soon

Not to worry

You're gonna hurry back

You're not alone when you dream

I'm with you. 

I hear your heart when it beats

I feel it too

Sleep in peace 

love is tender

Please remember me"

Timing is everything and I believe that Adam and I came into each other's lives at the exact moment that we needed one another.  In my heart I know that we were brought together for a greater reason than either of us will ever be able to comprehend.  Knowing this makes even the worst of days worth it.  There's no one else I would want to wait for.

For now I am taking it one day at a time, letting the timing take care of itself, and praying every day that he comes back home to me safe and sound.

Here's a link to the song if you haven't heard it yet:

Soldier by Shania Twain

Hero

What does it mean to be a hero?  This word takes on a variety of meanings, conjuring up different images to different people.  In the past stock images of firefighters, veterans, police officers, courageous civilians like you and me piled up in my mind when I heard the word hero, never able to think of a specific person in my life who possessed all of the qualities I deemed heroic.  To me being a hero meant to do something extraordinary.  To not only act selflessly, but to live selflessly.  To care about something greater than yourself and then to actually do something about it.

Adam is going to hate me when I say this, but today when I hear the word hero he is the first person who flashes through my mind.  Today was a tough day for me.  As we talked on the phone and I let Adam know how much I worried about his deployment and the uncertainty of it all he asked if he had ever told me the real reason why he wanted to join the military.  I told him no and he began to explain how it all started 16 years ago on September 11, 2001 when he was in 5th grade.  At the age of 10 years old that horrific day and the years of war that followed had a tremendous impact on him and the man he would become.  So much so that today he has willingly put himself in harms way, without question, to try and help innocent people who have not had the opportunity to live as privileged a life as Adam and I have.

By the end of our conversation I had tears streaming down my face.  Finding the right words in response was impossible.  To say that I am proud of the man Adam is and the sacrifice he has given and will continue to give throughout his military career is a gross understatement.  It would be a complete lie for me to say that I will not worry while he is gone (I am a compulsive worrier), but I can't help but think about how fortunate I am to be able to share my life with my hero.  They don't make many like you, Adam, which makes me feel even luckier that you have chosen me to come along on this adventure.  I love you.

Surprise Visit

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote and honestly it feels like it has been several months.  The past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions.  After what felt like weeks and weeks of the end of September, I finally made it to October which felt like a milestone within itself.  My routine without Adam around was falling into place and my days were starting to pass by quickly.  

Then Adam found out he had a four day pass.  But before I even had time to exclaim with excitement I was reminded that I should not get my hopes up.  "There's a chance that things could change and that I might not have that time off."  Ha!  What is new?  The unpredictability of the army has unfortunately become a trait of this lifestyle that I have not so happily grown accustomed to.  So I assured him that I was not counting on it.  Wink wink.

Luckily for me and for Adam the army kept her promise to let us spend one more weekend together.  This was the best and the worst thing that could have happened.  The weekend was absolutely incredible.  From staying in a gorgeous mansion with mountain views to visiting Fort Bliss to hiking the Organ Mountains to announcing our engagement to starting our first tradition of buying vacation Christmas ornaments together to watching Portlandia I could not have asked for a better weekend with my favorite person.  Unfortunately this made it all the much harder to leave.  

This goodbye was different from our goodbye in Kilgore.  For the first time I knew for a fact that this was going to be the last time I would see Adam until next year.  There would not be anymore surprise visits.  This goodbye meant goodbye. 

Adam took me to the airport and waited with me outside of security.  Usually I go through security super early because I end up stressing out about making my flight, but this time I waited until the very last second.  I didn't want to leave.  Heck, at this point I wouldn't have even cared if I had missed my flight.  At least I would have had a little more time with him.  Our goodbye felt rushed and honestly I can't even recall what we said to each other.  All I could think about was how much I didn't want to walk away from him.  But after a minute or two and a few tears later we parted ways knowing that the longer we made our goodbye the harder it would be.  Unlike my tearless drive home from Kilgore, the plane ride home was a torrential downpour of emotions.  Luckily for me there were about ten other ladies who were also sporting the same teary-eyed, emotionally drained face.

Tuesday and Wednesday have kept me busy but there is definitely a noticeable absence I feel unlike after our Kilgore goodbye.  Certain moments, songs, jokes, places etc. remind me of you and how much I miss you.  Tears come and go and I dream about the day that I get to be back in your arms.  I'll keep the light on.