Timing

Isn't it funny when you are knee deep in a stage of life, a time when you're struggling, and out of nowhere you come across a poem, hear a song, meet a person or notice a sign that was meant to be seen or heard at the exact moment you ran across it?  

That doesn't happen to me too often, but it did last night at my mom's house during our Monday night tradition watching Dancing With the Stars.  Shania Twain was a guest judge and during the show she sang her new song, Soldier.  Now, Adam will think this song is super cheesy, but the minute she sang the first verse I became emotional (surprise surprise, right Adam?).  This past week has been a rough period of transition, still becoming acquainted with this new, temporary way of life, but I think I was meant to hear those lyrics last night.  Not only was the subject completely relevant to Adam and I's current situation, but the lyrics described exactly how I have been feeling these past few days.

"Don't close the door when you leave

it's cold out

I need to see the air when you breathe

and say out loud

That you'll be home soon

Not to worry

You're gonna hurry back

You're not alone when you dream

I'm with you. 

I hear your heart when it beats

I feel it too

Sleep in peace 

love is tender

Please remember me"

Timing is everything and I believe that Adam and I came into each other's lives at the exact moment that we needed one another.  In my heart I know that we were brought together for a greater reason than either of us will ever be able to comprehend.  Knowing this makes even the worst of days worth it.  There's no one else I would want to wait for.

For now I am taking it one day at a time, letting the timing take care of itself, and praying every day that he comes back home to me safe and sound.

Here's a link to the song if you haven't heard it yet:

Soldier by Shania Twain

Hero

What does it mean to be a hero?  This word takes on a variety of meanings, conjuring up different images to different people.  In the past stock images of firefighters, veterans, police officers, courageous civilians like you and me piled up in my mind when I heard the word hero, never able to think of a specific person in my life who possessed all of the qualities I deemed heroic.  To me being a hero meant to do something extraordinary.  To not only act selflessly, but to live selflessly.  To care about something greater than yourself and then to actually do something about it.

Adam is going to hate me when I say this, but today when I hear the word hero he is the first person who flashes through my mind.  Today was a tough day for me.  As we talked on the phone and I let Adam know how much I worried about his deployment and the uncertainty of it all he asked if he had ever told me the real reason why he wanted to join the military.  I told him no and he began to explain how it all started 16 years ago on September 11, 2001 when he was in 5th grade.  At the age of 10 years old that horrific day and the years of war that followed had a tremendous impact on him and the man he would become.  So much so that today he has willingly put himself in harms way, without question, to try and help innocent people who have not had the opportunity to live as privileged a life as Adam and I have.

By the end of our conversation I had tears streaming down my face.  Finding the right words in response was impossible.  To say that I am proud of the man Adam is and the sacrifice he has given and will continue to give throughout his military career is a gross understatement.  It would be a complete lie for me to say that I will not worry while he is gone (I am a compulsive worrier), but I can't help but think about how fortunate I am to be able to share my life with my hero.  They don't make many like you, Adam, which makes me feel even luckier that you have chosen me to come along on this adventure.  I love you.

Surprise Visit

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote and honestly it feels like it has been several months.  The past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions.  After what felt like weeks and weeks of the end of September, I finally made it to October which felt like a milestone within itself.  My routine without Adam around was falling into place and my days were starting to pass by quickly.  

Then Adam found out he had a four day pass.  But before I even had time to exclaim with excitement I was reminded that I should not get my hopes up.  "There's a chance that things could change and that I might not have that time off."  Ha!  What is new?  The unpredictability of the army has unfortunately become a trait of this lifestyle that I have not so happily grown accustomed to.  So I assured him that I was not counting on it.  Wink wink.

Luckily for me and for Adam the army kept her promise to let us spend one more weekend together.  This was the best and the worst thing that could have happened.  The weekend was absolutely incredible.  From staying in a gorgeous mansion with mountain views to visiting Fort Bliss to hiking the Organ Mountains to announcing our engagement to starting our first tradition of buying vacation Christmas ornaments together to watching Portlandia I could not have asked for a better weekend with my favorite person.  Unfortunately this made it all the much harder to leave.  

This goodbye was different from our goodbye in Kilgore.  For the first time I knew for a fact that this was going to be the last time I would see Adam until next year.  There would not be anymore surprise visits.  This goodbye meant goodbye. 

Adam took me to the airport and waited with me outside of security.  Usually I go through security super early because I end up stressing out about making my flight, but this time I waited until the very last second.  I didn't want to leave.  Heck, at this point I wouldn't have even cared if I had missed my flight.  At least I would have had a little more time with him.  Our goodbye felt rushed and honestly I can't even recall what we said to each other.  All I could think about was how much I didn't want to walk away from him.  But after a minute or two and a few tears later we parted ways knowing that the longer we made our goodbye the harder it would be.  Unlike my tearless drive home from Kilgore, the plane ride home was a torrential downpour of emotions.  Luckily for me there were about ten other ladies who were also sporting the same teary-eyed, emotionally drained face.

Tuesday and Wednesday have kept me busy but there is definitely a noticeable absence I feel unlike after our Kilgore goodbye.  Certain moments, songs, jokes, places etc. remind me of you and how much I miss you.  Tears come and go and I dream about the day that I get to be back in your arms.  I'll keep the light on.

      

Let the Countdown Begin

One week and two days have gone by since Adam and I said our goodbyes.  Every single day that we have been away from each other has been difficult in a different way than what I had initially expected.  I have not experienced any real meltdowns, although tears have come and gone, but every night as I sit in bed by myself a form of melancholy washes over me.  I reflect on the day and I think about all of the moments that would have made Adam and I laugh.  I think about all of the things that day that would have been much more enjoyable if Adam had been with me.  I think about the little things that Adam does for me on a regular basis from feeding the dogs in the morning so that I can stay in bed a little bit longer to going out and buying us kolaches and donuts from Shipley's, not because he likes Shipley's best but because he knows that I do.  Right now life just isn't as sweet. 

So in an effort to be positive I have been telling myself over and over again that these upcoming months are going to fly by.  "The holidays will be here before we know it and then there will only be a few months until Adam's return."  Unfortunately for me, my pep talks are not convincing and deep down I feel the exact opposite.  

Even though Adam warned me countless times that these countdowns would only drive me insane,  I have it set in my mind that they will make time fly.  Don't tell Adam, but I think he is right, although I am not giving in just yet.  

***To be clear, Adam being right is a very rare occurrence in the Icenhauer/Mendoza household.

 Nevertheless, I have an app on my phone that counts down to the very exact second the number of days left of the deployment (this is all an approximation--no one really knows the exact date) and I find myself looking at this several times during the day thinking, "It's only been one hour since I last looked.  This is going to be a long ten months."  In fact, I cannot tell you how many times today I have wondered what day it is only to be disappointed that it is STILL September 17th and we are STILL a couple weeks away from October.

 Here are a few other ways that I have driven myself crazy thinking about potential (read: psychotic) countdowns for the rest of Adam's deployment:

The number of times I will take out the trash while he's gone.

The number of times I will have to buy coffee.

The number of bouquets of fresh flowers that would last until he gets back.

The number of seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise that will be aired.

The number of significant days (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries) that will happen while he's gone.

The number of times I will mow the lawn.

Etc, etc.

But so far during this short amount of time I have come to one important realization and that is that even though I am fully capable of living without you, Adam, there is not an ounce of me that wants to.  I love you so much and I look forward to the day that you can go and buy me kolaches again.  

Staring at an Empty House

Staring at an empty house.  

Full of photos, full of memories, full of things.

Peaceful and yet so loud.  

My mind won't be quiet and I'm left staring into an empty house.

Staring at an empty house.

My heart is heavy as reality sinks in.

Moments sitting in silence with my thoughts are unbearable.

Wishing I could hear your voice.  

Wishing I could feel your touch.

Wishing we had one more hour together.

Staring at an empty house.

Desperate to cross off another day in my notebook.

Tears fall and are wiped away.

Keep busy, keep busy.

Thankful

Friday evening at 8 pm Adam left for Fort Bliss.  What a strange feeling it was dropping him off at the Kilgore Armory for the last time knowing that we would not see each other for about 10 months.    The actual drop-off  happened so quickly that it almost felt like I was dropping him off for another day at work.  

"I'll see you at 5."  

I pulled the car up in front of the armory, Adam quickly unloaded his gear and we shared a good-bye that lasted only a few seconds through the driver side window.  I yelled after him noticing two bags he had left in the car and asked him if he had forgotten them.  He walked back, shook his head, and leaned in to give me one final kiss and then he was on his way again.  Next thing I knew I was starting my solo journey back to Austin.  To my surprise my eyes stayed dry for the entire four hour car trip.  I felt guilty thinking, "What is wrong with you?  If at any moment this year you are going to break down this should be the time."  Yet it never came.  Instead, strangely enough, I felt a sense of relief.  Not because I was happy that Adam was leaving or because I was happy that I wouldn't see him until next year.  God knows that I miss him and worry about him every single day that we are apart.  But I felt a sense of relief because the countdowns that had plagued this entire year up until this day were finally over.  

On Friday the only countdown that I had been looking forward to all year had finally begun, the countdown until Adam gets home.   

There was also one other critical piece that kept me from falling apart after leaving Adam, and that was knowing that I had a tremendous family waiting for me back home.  Even though bad days come and go I always know that my family is never far if I need them.  They have been nothing but supportive of Adam's career and of our relationship.   They made sure to reschedule their busy lives so that they could make it to the mobilization ceremony, they listen to me, whether they want to or not, when I need to vent, they hug me when I need some extra loving and my brother has been incredibly understanding and flexible as my boss knowing how important these last few months have been for Adam and me.  Not once have I ever felt that I could not lean on them for love and support.  With the addition of Adam's family in my life I feel beyond blessed.  Honestly, I hit the jackpot.

From the moment that I met Adam's parents and his siblings last December they made me feel like I was a member of their family.  Cathy and Rosendo warmly welcomed me into their home and I was immediately invited to family events.  After making it back from Kilgore on Friday I spoke with Cathy on the phone and she reassured me that I would be seeing them often.  She told me that I was always welcome at their house even if that just meant me coming to Georgetown to spend the night, and that Rosendo would be calling me to meet up for lunch.   This made me so happy.  Not only have I become close with Adam's parents, but I am very happy that I have become close to Adam's siblings and even his aunts, uncles, and cousins, too.  I am thankful for each and every single one of you, because at a time when it would have been easy to part ways and see each other infrequently you all have already made it a point to see me often.  

As I headed back to Austin this afternoon after spending yesterday in Georgetown with Adam's family it struck me how lucky I am to have been intertwined into all of these extraordinary people's lives.  With that being said, I want to take a moment to say to all of my friends and family, new and old, near and far, that I love you all, that I am so thankful for the relationships that we share, and that I am so grateful for all of your love and support that you have shown me and Adam.  It has been a crazy time in our lives but having you all around has made it much more bearable.  

Because of you all I am going to bed tonight feeling thankful.

Our Last Hours

"Finally, after months of preparation, changes in deployment dates, and what seems like an endless trudge to the slaughterhouse, the deployment arrives.  The weeks and days leading up to this feel like a loss of color-- everything I see is in shades of gray." -- Angela Ricketts, No Man's War: Irreverent Confessions of an Infantry Wife

Hectic, emotional and draining are the words I would use to describe this past week.   Monday evening and Tuesday morning were spent running last minute errands, unloading Adam's truck, which looked like a mini tornado had passed through, doing laundry, making calls, packing, repacking, and trying to make our last night at home together as normal as possible.  We dropped the boys, as Adam likes to refer to our pups, off at my mom's house Tuesday morning and headed to Great Clips for Adam's haircut.  This has become one of our weird little rituals that we share on days that Adam leaves town for trainings, because it is always during our last hour spent together.  Then it was North to Georgetown and over to Fort Hood to purchase a few essential items for the deployment.

We ran around Fort Hood like headless chickens comparing bags at different stores and remembering last minute items.  "Oh shit, I forgot this," was the most commonly used statement throughout this "quick" stop.  We finally got back to the car after Adam purchased an Otter Box for his laptop, which I said and knew would be too small, only to try it out and realize that we needed to go back into the store to exchange it because guess what...it was too small!

Adam, this is your reminder to always listen to me, because I am always right.  

Finally we made it on the road to Kilgore around 4:30 in the afternoon, making several necessary pitstops for food, coffee and restroom breaks.  After what seemingly felt like the longest 4 hours we finally pulled into Kilgore around 9:30 and headed to the armory for a quick check-in.  Then we headed to our new home, the Holiday Inn Express.

According to Adam's orders he should have left for Fort Bliss early this morning.  After a bit of confusion the departure date, we believed, was changed to early Saturday morning.  Now we know that this information was incorrect and that he will definitely be leaving tomorrow evening with the rest of his guys.  Unfortunately the uncertainty and last minute changes are not surprising at all and honestly I have not had my heart set on a certain date because I knew that it could change at any time.  Tonight and tomorrow will most definitely be hard but I feel lucky to have more time with Adam, even if that means for only a few more hours.  

So as of now I believe we have reached the so-called calm before the deployment storm during which we will spend our final 24 hours together.  Yesterday Adam had to work an incredibly long day at the armory from 6 AM to about 10 PM with a couple breaks in between, during which he so thoughtfully brought me breakfast and dinner.

He's a keeper!

Luckily, today he will be getting off earlier as we have the Kilgore Send-Off event this afternoon at 4 PM for his Battalion.  This means we will be able to enjoy our last evening together.  I am not sure how tomorrow will go and honestly I'm trying my best not to think about it too much until it is absolutely necessary.  For now I just want to focus on spending the last few hours that we have together as best we can.  

I would really appreciate it if you all would keep Adam in your thoughts and prayers as he travels on an 11 hour bus ride to El Paso tomorrow.