A love letter to 2017

Dear 2017,

You were certainly one for the books.  

You witnessed us climb a mountain, fall in love, lose those dear to us, deal with separation, travel to new and familiar places, fall deeper in love, dance, face uncertainty, start a new home together, take road trips, laugh until we cried, have meaningful conversation and plan our future.  

Your days passed by, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.  Some days were full of worry.  Some days were full of laughter.  Some days I cried.  Some days I smiled.  But every day I remained grateful.  Grateful that your days brought me into contact with the people I love.  Grateful that your days left us happy and healthy.  Grateful that your days surrounded us with the most supportive, loving & wonderful people ever, our families.  Grateful that your days revived old friendships and strengthened new ones.  

2017, you showed us some difficult times, and it was easy to get swept up by the negativity that constantly surrounded us but you helped me to remember that what matters most in life are my family and friends.  The moments laughing, telling stories, and talking in the living room or around the dinner table served as a reminder of what is most important to me during this lifetime.  These are the moments that meant the most to me, and at the end of each of your days I hoped that one thing people could definitively say about me is that, "man, Liz sure does love her family and friends."

Thank you for the most wonderfully beautiful year.

2018, may you be full of days that help me to become a better daughter, sister, aunt, fiancé & friend.  

Yours,

Liz  

One Year

One year ago I had been on and off Bumble, Tinder, Hinge & every other dating app imaginable.  I fell into a downward spiral of downloading an app for a couple days, swiping through guys like I was reading a boring magazine, deleting all of my dating apps, and then a couple days later downloading them again only to see the same prospects.  Several dates with a few "nice enough, not completely boring" guys left me uninspired that anything would ever work out.  But how else are people our age meeting other singles these days?  That's when I thought, "You might as well go for it" and I ended up having three dates in one week.

The saying goes "third time's a charm" and boy is it right.  After one "meh" date and one "what would your mother think of what you're saying right now" date I ended up stumbling across the love of my life.  I swiped right and instantly his picture popped up saying we were a match.  Knowing the ways of Tinder & Bumble I knew that there was still a high probability that this match would lead nowhere and that I would probably be ghosted.  But to my surprise a couple minutes later I received a message from Adam Mendoza that said, "Ay girl."  My future husband, ladies and gentlemen.

Our chat conversation was as natural as chatting with a complete stranger can possibly be.  Once we both determined that neither one of us was a serial killer we decided to meet five days later on a Thursday after work on South Congress Avenue.

The night before our date I couldn't sleep because I was so excited.  In all honesty this never happened with any of my previous dates which should have tipped me off that this one would be different.  

And then the day arrived.  I remember being so anxious the entire day at work.  It felt like time wasn't moving.  He was going to meet me outside of my office and we planned on walking over to South Congress Hotel for a drink.  I paced around the office waiting and waiting (stupid Austin traffic) trying to keep from sweating and then I received the text that he was outside!  As I walked out to meet Adam my friends stalked the front door trying to sneak a glimpse of my "mystery" date.  

It was a chilly evening and so we walked over to the hotel bar quickly.  Most of the date flew by in a blur as I tried to pay attention to what he was saying.  Really all I could think was"Ahhh, he's so handsome.  I wonder how he thinks this is going."  We talked about his job with the National Guard and his job at Camp Mabry, and I'm sure I talked, too, but honestly I couldn't begin to tell you what else we talked about.  

What I thought might only be one drink turned into two drinks which then turned into, "Are you hungry?"  So we meandered down to Guerros (even though I suggested Homeslice...), filled up on TexMex and then not wanting the night to end we both agreed that we should go have one more drink at Perla's.  We were the last people at the bar, to the staff's dismay I'm sure, and they began closing around us.  We walked back to our cars and said goodbye.  I left feeling warm and fuzzy inside, and no it wasn't just the alcohol.  Just kidding, Mom & Dad.

The next day Adam texted me to see if I wanted to get lunch with him at Whole Foods before he had to leave town for his monthly National Guard training.  This was when I knew that he liked me.  And I really knew that he liked me when on our third date he told me that he was being deployed later the next year.  I didn't know exactly what all that would entail or how that would affect me (how can you really prepare for something you haven't lived through?) but I did know that if our relationship had the potential to turn into love, I would not hesitate to stand by his side.  It would all be worth the wait.   

This past year has been filled with a number of up's and down's.  It is a year that has been filled with some of my happiest memories and some of my hardest.  Our young relationship has been put to the ultimate test.   The cards were stacked against us from the beginning, but there is no doubt in my mind that we were meant to come into each other's lives at the exact moment we met.  I didn't realize it but I needed Adam, and I think he needed me, too.  Our love is a precious one and as the old adage goes, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  

We may not be together physically to celebrate today, but I am wherever you are.  

You are my home.

 I so look forward to the day that we are back together and I cannot wait to spend all of my future years with you, whether we are apart or together.  I love you the most.

Timing

Isn't it funny when you are knee deep in a stage of life, a time when you're struggling, and out of nowhere you come across a poem, hear a song, meet a person or notice a sign that was meant to be seen or heard at the exact moment you ran across it?  

That doesn't happen to me too often, but it did last night at my mom's house during our Monday night tradition watching Dancing With the Stars.  Shania Twain was a guest judge and during the show she sang her new song, Soldier.  Now, Adam will think this song is super cheesy, but the minute she sang the first verse I became emotional (surprise surprise, right Adam?).  This past week has been a rough period of transition, still becoming acquainted with this new, temporary way of life, but I think I was meant to hear those lyrics last night.  Not only was the subject completely relevant to Adam and I's current situation, but the lyrics described exactly how I have been feeling these past few days.

"Don't close the door when you leave

it's cold out

I need to see the air when you breathe

and say out loud

That you'll be home soon

Not to worry

You're gonna hurry back

You're not alone when you dream

I'm with you. 

I hear your heart when it beats

I feel it too

Sleep in peace 

love is tender

Please remember me"

Timing is everything and I believe that Adam and I came into each other's lives at the exact moment that we needed one another.  In my heart I know that we were brought together for a greater reason than either of us will ever be able to comprehend.  Knowing this makes even the worst of days worth it.  There's no one else I would want to wait for.

For now I am taking it one day at a time, letting the timing take care of itself, and praying every day that he comes back home to me safe and sound.

Here's a link to the song if you haven't heard it yet:

Soldier by Shania Twain

Hero

What does it mean to be a hero?  This word takes on a variety of meanings, conjuring up different images to different people.  In the past stock images of firefighters, veterans, police officers, courageous civilians like you and me piled up in my mind when I heard the word hero, never able to think of a specific person in my life who possessed all of the qualities I deemed heroic.  To me being a hero meant to do something extraordinary.  To not only act selflessly, but to live selflessly.  To care about something greater than yourself and then to actually do something about it.

Adam is going to hate me when I say this, but today when I hear the word hero he is the first person who flashes through my mind.  Today was a tough day for me.  As we talked on the phone and I let Adam know how much I worried about his deployment and the uncertainty of it all he asked if he had ever told me the real reason why he wanted to join the military.  I told him no and he began to explain how it all started 16 years ago on September 11, 2001 when he was in 5th grade.  At the age of 10 years old that horrific day and the years of war that followed had a tremendous impact on him and the man he would become.  So much so that today he has willingly put himself in harms way, without question, to try and help innocent people who have not had the opportunity to live as privileged a life as Adam and I have.

By the end of our conversation I had tears streaming down my face.  Finding the right words in response was impossible.  To say that I am proud of the man Adam is and the sacrifice he has given and will continue to give throughout his military career is a gross understatement.  It would be a complete lie for me to say that I will not worry while he is gone (I am a compulsive worrier), but I can't help but think about how fortunate I am to be able to share my life with my hero.  They don't make many like you, Adam, which makes me feel even luckier that you have chosen me to come along on this adventure.  I love you.

Surprise Visit

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote and honestly it feels like it has been several months.  The past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions.  After what felt like weeks and weeks of the end of September, I finally made it to October which felt like a milestone within itself.  My routine without Adam around was falling into place and my days were starting to pass by quickly.  

Then Adam found out he had a four day pass.  But before I even had time to exclaim with excitement I was reminded that I should not get my hopes up.  "There's a chance that things could change and that I might not have that time off."  Ha!  What is new?  The unpredictability of the army has unfortunately become a trait of this lifestyle that I have not so happily grown accustomed to.  So I assured him that I was not counting on it.  Wink wink.

Luckily for me and for Adam the army kept her promise to let us spend one more weekend together.  This was the best and the worst thing that could have happened.  The weekend was absolutely incredible.  From staying in a gorgeous mansion with mountain views to visiting Fort Bliss to hiking the Organ Mountains to announcing our engagement to starting our first tradition of buying vacation Christmas ornaments together to watching Portlandia I could not have asked for a better weekend with my favorite person.  Unfortunately this made it all the much harder to leave.  

This goodbye was different from our goodbye in Kilgore.  For the first time I knew for a fact that this was going to be the last time I would see Adam until next year.  There would not be anymore surprise visits.  This goodbye meant goodbye. 

Adam took me to the airport and waited with me outside of security.  Usually I go through security super early because I end up stressing out about making my flight, but this time I waited until the very last second.  I didn't want to leave.  Heck, at this point I wouldn't have even cared if I had missed my flight.  At least I would have had a little more time with him.  Our goodbye felt rushed and honestly I can't even recall what we said to each other.  All I could think about was how much I didn't want to walk away from him.  But after a minute or two and a few tears later we parted ways knowing that the longer we made our goodbye the harder it would be.  Unlike my tearless drive home from Kilgore, the plane ride home was a torrential downpour of emotions.  Luckily for me there were about ten other ladies who were also sporting the same teary-eyed, emotionally drained face.

Tuesday and Wednesday have kept me busy but there is definitely a noticeable absence I feel unlike after our Kilgore goodbye.  Certain moments, songs, jokes, places etc. remind me of you and how much I miss you.  Tears come and go and I dream about the day that I get to be back in your arms.  I'll keep the light on.

      

Let the Countdown Begin

One week and two days have gone by since Adam and I said our goodbyes.  Every single day that we have been away from each other has been difficult in a different way than what I had initially expected.  I have not experienced any real meltdowns, although tears have come and gone, but every night as I sit in bed by myself a form of melancholy washes over me.  I reflect on the day and I think about all of the moments that would have made Adam and I laugh.  I think about all of the things that day that would have been much more enjoyable if Adam had been with me.  I think about the little things that Adam does for me on a regular basis from feeding the dogs in the morning so that I can stay in bed a little bit longer to going out and buying us kolaches and donuts from Shipley's, not because he likes Shipley's best but because he knows that I do.  Right now life just isn't as sweet. 

So in an effort to be positive I have been telling myself over and over again that these upcoming months are going to fly by.  "The holidays will be here before we know it and then there will only be a few months until Adam's return."  Unfortunately for me, my pep talks are not convincing and deep down I feel the exact opposite.  

Even though Adam warned me countless times that these countdowns would only drive me insane,  I have it set in my mind that they will make time fly.  Don't tell Adam, but I think he is right, although I am not giving in just yet.  

***To be clear, Adam being right is a very rare occurrence in the Icenhauer/Mendoza household.

 Nevertheless, I have an app on my phone that counts down to the very exact second the number of days left of the deployment (this is all an approximation--no one really knows the exact date) and I find myself looking at this several times during the day thinking, "It's only been one hour since I last looked.  This is going to be a long ten months."  In fact, I cannot tell you how many times today I have wondered what day it is only to be disappointed that it is STILL September 17th and we are STILL a couple weeks away from October.

 Here are a few other ways that I have driven myself crazy thinking about potential (read: psychotic) countdowns for the rest of Adam's deployment:

The number of times I will take out the trash while he's gone.

The number of times I will have to buy coffee.

The number of bouquets of fresh flowers that would last until he gets back.

The number of seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise that will be aired.

The number of significant days (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries) that will happen while he's gone.

The number of times I will mow the lawn.

Etc, etc.

But so far during this short amount of time I have come to one important realization and that is that even though I am fully capable of living without you, Adam, there is not an ounce of me that wants to.  I love you so much and I look forward to the day that you can go and buy me kolaches again.  

Staring at an Empty House

Staring at an empty house.  

Full of photos, full of memories, full of things.

Peaceful and yet so loud.  

My mind won't be quiet and I'm left staring into an empty house.

Staring at an empty house.

My heart is heavy as reality sinks in.

Moments sitting in silence with my thoughts are unbearable.

Wishing I could hear your voice.  

Wishing I could feel your touch.

Wishing we had one more hour together.

Staring at an empty house.

Desperate to cross off another day in my notebook.

Tears fall and are wiped away.

Keep busy, keep busy.